State of the Union Address, 1997
[First Draft]
Hello and good evening from the White-washed house and the awful oval office. Tonight, I am pleased to bring to you a progress report, if you will, on some of the things that are happening in this great country of mine ours. I want to just chat, friendly like, with you about some of our programs, our policies, and some of the things, I hope you'll agree with me, that are steps in the right direction. Things like obfuscation, manipulation
First, we have Beavis and Butthead, my own personal heroes, doing America in their new movie, Beavis and Butthead do America. And let me say this ̵ I think all you kids out there listening tonight ought to strive to emmulate these two staunch Americans. Buy their T-shirts (it's good for the economy) and practice their habits. (That way, when you're all grown up and you get tossed off the welfare rolls, I can prove that my policies are working.)
We also have Newt Gingrich just reelected as the Speaker of the House. Now, I know, some of you are going to be asking, "Why is that good? He lied to us, the American public, he cheated, he committed fraud. How can it possibly be good that he was reelected to such a lofty and respectable post?" Well, I'll tell you: with him being so much in the spotlight, it diverts your attention from me and my doings. And that definitely is good!
I also want to talk, briefly, about our foreign policy. As you probably know, we have absolutely no foreign policy. We have far too many problems here at home to worry about without concerning ourselves with what's going on in the world around us. This is known as the "Ostrich Principle". This term adequately describes our approach to foreign policy and I want you to be aware that we are aggressively pursuing this every day. The good news about the problems here at home is that we're working diligently, we're striving to take the steps necessary to clearly identify and then to solve or resolve these problems. Any suggestions or comments you have will be largely ignored greatly appreciated. You can even reach us at our new website: http://www.ignoreyou.whitehouse.gov.
Now, let me address some of the problems we have identified and some of the processes by which we hope to correct them.
First and foremost, we have a drug problem in this country. Recent studies
have shown that more and more teenagers are regularly using marijuana and
this, I believe, is a serious, serious problem. My administration, and
myself, personally, will continue to strive to overcome this terrible,
terrible threat to our nation's youth. To date, I feel we have made great
strides with our "Don't Inhail" campaign, and we will continue
to air these ads on both radio and television.
Tonight, I am also signing into law, a bill that requires the newly designed and paid for by your tax dollars, "Don't Inhail" stickers to be placed on every video game in every arcade across America. It's time we took our nation back to the principles it was founded on, and we are going to start to do that tonight with this bill! And let me say again, Don't Inhail! Don't Inhale.
Secondly, we have a crime problem. Violent crime is on the rise. Gangs are on the increase. White collar crime is at an all time high. Let me tell you that we are going to slap the wrist, and I mean hard, of almost every person convicted of any crime. The American people will not, and should not continue to condone rampant crime and we are going to put a stop to it!
Unfortunately, I see that my time is about gone, but I sincerely hope that I have managed to shed some light on just where this administration stands, where we're heading, and where I think this great country of ours should be.
In conclusion, first of all, I would like to thank you for allowing me to invade intrude lie to visit with you tonight, and that I think, together, we can once again make this the great nation that we all love.
Thank you, and good night.