God Reads My Email
From time to time (every couple of hours it seems) I receive an email threatening to provide a blessing or a miracle, or the thing my heart most desires. It has to be God reading my email -- who else would know what my heart most desires. You see, that desire changes on occasion. First thing in the morning, what I desire most is a cup of black coffee. Or three. At dinner time, that desire is to make it through dinner without some idiot calling me, trying to "give" me a weekend at a Sedona resort. Or sell me aluminum siding. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. Houses here are made from cement blocks, or covered in stucco. Not aluminum siding. This whole city is a resort. If I could afford it, I could golf 365 days a year, and swim for over 200. And if I head up north to Sedona, I most definitely am not going to sit through some 90 minute time share presentation.
According to these multifarious emails, it seems I will receive this magnanimous bounty from God if I will only read and forward said email to at least seven people. Or everybody I know. Or everybody I know who could use cheering up, or a hug. Or simply the sheer joy of receiving an email from me... well, not from me exactly... forwarded by me.
I'm sure you know the ones I'm talking about. The subject is always the same: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:, followed by a list of 400 names (all but one or two you won't recognize) and their email addresses, and who they forwarded it to. And because God read's all emails sent -- or forwarded -- by anyone, some of these people feel guilty about sending -- or forwarding -- just another bit of fluff without personalizing it, so below their name, and their email address and who they sent it to and when, you find bits and pieces of failed attempts at "keeping in contact". Phrases like "thinking of you", or "thought you might enjoy this", or "miss you", or "reminds me of the time...".
In this way consciences are assuaged, hearts are healed and "we have kept in touch through email." And we shall be blessed because God reads all our email. He must have a total of 10 or 12 pieces by now -- four thousand times each so far today -- and therefore he knows the promises of his blessings contained within each one. That is of course unless God does what I do... "DELETE" anything that contains Fwd: more than once in the subject line.
If you truly want to receive God's blessing for you and your family, and your seven favorite friends, and their families, and each of their seven favorite friends, and each of the families of those friends of the families of your seven favorite friends, you must immediately forward a link to this page to everyone you know, and everyone they know and everyone you will have known by some future date. If you don't, God will know, and he will see to it that your fingers rot and fall off.
© j. michael raymond, MMIII 12 Feb.